Do you know what your love language is?
In a recent viewing of some films centered around disintegrating romance – Malcolm & Marie, Marriage Story, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind – every plot point boils down to one thing: miscommunication. Call it unmet expectations. Call it emotional unavailability. However people like to dress up their relationship problems, it all comes down to communication – or the lack of it.
I reached the point of watching such films where I want to yell at either one of the characters to pack their stuff up and leave. Or, at the very least, they can try to talk it out properly. But even when they try to do the latter, the misunderstandings pile up. Soon enough, I’m viewing the scene where they’ve both given up.
Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages comes into play. It was a commercial success as a book, and recent studies have found psychometric validity.
How we express love, he says, is how we want to receive love. Problems arise when we encounter a mismatch. How our partner expresses their love or prefers to receive it doesn’t match our own. Both parties end up feeling neglected.
Familiarizing oneself with the five love languages is a step towards better communication. We have five: words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, receiving gifts, and physical touch.
A Closer Look at the 5 Love Languages
How do these love languages manifest? Truthfully, it varies per person.
Words of affirmation rely on verbal communication. Your partner may prefer to express or receive love with constant praise and encouragement. An in-depth discussion may be a mark of intimacy.
Intimate conversations factor into quality time, as well. Casual dates, active listening, and being present matters the most. It’s a good idea to put all distractions away, like a constantly vibrating phone, to focus on the other person.
Acts of service center around doing things for your partner. Volunteering to wash the dishes or helping them out at a difficult project expresses the value of love. It doesn’t have to be big, generous acts — the little things matter. Carry their bag or offer to help with a small chore.
Gifts don’t have to be big, either. For people who love receiving gifts, a small token that reminds you of them is much appreciated! Thoughtful, memorable gifts, however cheap, already speaks volumes.
If you want to know what your love language is, take the test at this link.
The Love Language Exchange
However, it isn’t that simple. Your love language can vary through the years. You might be into acts of service now, but in a year, your love language could be acts of service.
There’s also another thing: how you prefer to receive love may not be how you express it.
The test doesn’t cover this. It gives you what you value most when you receive love. So, if your preferred love language from your partner is acts of service, then that’s how your partner should express their value for you.
You may be expressing how you love differently. You might express it best with words of affirmation, and that’s what you always default to.
It’s important to hear out your partner’s preferred love language so you can adjust. While taking a test can refine the relationship dynamic, you still have to do old, traditional communication: a sit-down talk of your expectations and actions.
Through the Years
As love languages evolve over time, you have to keep in mind to do regular check-ins. Does your partner still feel safe and loved around you? Has something changed with them, and with you, too?
Too often, our frustrations stem from unsaid expectations. We don’t even know what changed! Self-reflect and learn to have hard conversations. Love languages can help maintain a relationship, but you still have to put in the work.
I think people do miss this fact: the work, the reciprocation, the effort that has to be put into long-standing relationships. It means sacrificing your needs, learning theirs, and how best to come to a compromise.
As Valentine’s Day draws near and I sit watching more romance movies, I half-hope someone comes in with a five love languages test. Maybe the couple screaming at each other for the past five minutes on-screen just needs to hug. Or maybe the other one just wants his partner to say, “Good job.”
(Now that I think about it, that’s the entire plot of Malcolm & Marie. Malcolm forgot to thank his long-term girlfriend, Marie, during his directorial debut speech. Maybe if they knew how to communicate I wouldn’t have sat through a movie about their all-nighter fight. )
So, share the love on Valentine’s! While you’re at it, learn how to love yourself and your partner better. It makes things much easier.
